


Is this real?

by ccuddlefish



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Joseb - Freeform, M/M, it isn't as sad as it looks honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ccuddlefish/pseuds/ccuddlefish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t want to look. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t, didn’t, didn’t want any more blood today.</p>
<p>Sebastian Castellanos didn’t want to have to see the corpse of his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is this real?

He didn’t want to look. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t, didn’t, didn’t want any more blood today.

Sebastian Castellanos didn’t want to have to see the corpse of his partner. 

He stood, hands bunched into fists, the shreds of bitten-off nails digging as hard they could into his palms. He kept his back to the STEM chamber, to the corpses of Connelly and Jimenez and-

He doubled over, coughing. Something cold and sharp and almost-real slid past his collarbone, missing his heart by a few inches, eventually settling in his stomach. Why did this have to happen? After everything? He paused in midthought to cough a few times more, ignoring the semicooled blood slipping out of his throat and past his teeth, hitting the ground with a spatter. Shaking his head as if to dislodge stubborn droplets of water, Sebastian tried not to cry. He knew it was coming (it was always inevitable) but he clung to his resolve, gritting his teeth and ignoring the pinpricks of hot tears behind his eyes, ignoring the way his vision swam, holding his eyes open so no tears would fall. 

He spun on his heel out of a sense of duty, choking back tears and ignoring the peppery feeling in the back of his throat. There’d be time to cry later, he thought in the back of his mind as his feet propelled him towards the other half of the room.

He knew he had to do this, it was the only thing for certain right now. Passing Jimenez and Connelly, he stopped again, dutifully using his thumb and forefinger to slide their eyes shut. He could feel sickness rising up in the back of his throat as their eyelids protested, making a smacking noise as they slid closed over quickly-drying eyeballs, but for grief over their death or just disgust over the state of their bodies he couldn’t tell. He hoped it was the former, he really did, but there was too much jangling through his brain, too many thoughts and emotions pinging around, reminding him that his partner was dead, Joseph was dead, his corpse was rotting away over there, still hooked to the ghost of a twisted machine. Some indications of life still pipped through its system, a lightbulb flicking on in a soft blue pulse before flickering out, a soft groan as it relaxed from the overexertion of what had occurred, but the room was still eerily silent. Sebastian genuinely hoped he was mourning Connelly and Jimenez, but that started feeling less and less likely and the thoughts started to take up more space, buzzing loudly behind his eyes.

The room smelled like death, too, Sebastian registered dully, feet continuing to trudge towards their destination. A few tubs over, lay Joseph. He didn’t want to think about it. God, how he wanted to leave, pretend this never happened. But it did happen, and it was all his fault and-

His partner was dead, and now Sebastian had to go collect his corpse. 

Why? he wondered. Probably out of some perverse duty, something ingrained deep saying you had to pay respect to the dead, but he didn’t want funerals and he didn’t want wakes and he didn’t want to have to go home and face the KCPD and tell them his partner was dead and he had survived.

Why was he still alive? What decided that Sebastian had to live and Joseph had to die? On some sort of divine scale, wouldn’t Joseph’s life be worth more? The guy who always did his paperwork in triplicate, who brought his deadbeat partner coffee in the mornings, who dragged him out of bars, out of darkened streets, out of, at one time, a phone booth, (Sebastian smiled for a moment at the memory) who cared for his friends and family, took care of his partner before himself got killed instead of him. 

Not instead of him. Because of him. Sebastian was sure he could have done something, anything at all to prevent it, and as that new thought was added to the others pinging around his sorry skull, Sebastian Castellanos couldn’t stop himself from crying. Hot tears joined the cooling blood on his lips and in his mouth, running in salty trails into his mouth and nose as his legs pulled him forwards. Finally, he reached his destination, collapsing beside the tub, hands digging into the porcelain like he might’ve been trying to break it. He wasn’t ready to look at Joseph’s body just yet, but his hand pawed inside the tub, around the lip, blindly feeling for leather.

He found it and grabbed Joseph’s hand, tight, like his big fingers were trying to crush the smaller man’s own. In another time, Joseph would have scoffed, shook his hand away, and make some remark about how he didn’t need a broken hand, thank you very much, but Joseph was fucking dead. Sebastian spit out blood, the droplets landing on his collar and vest, trying to ignore the rage creeping up from his stomach. You killed him, he thought. His fingers balled tighter around Joseph’s. You fucking got him killed, the hand he was holding seemed to say. You may as well have fucking pulled the trigger because you are at fault. You’re the reason you’re still alive and you’re the reason your partner is dead. 

He kept repeating it over and over and over. The thoughts and emotions cartwheeling through his dead were all replaced by that one phrase, and Sebastian was sure that if you cut open his skull, you’d be able to see those words, branded into his brain tissue. Joseph’s hand was clammy in his grip. He smelled sickly sweet, like decomposition, like burning corpses. Sebastian realized his arm was partially submerged in the slime, but at this point he couldn’t spare any disgust for his surroundings. 

Eventually, with everything he had, he hoisted himself up, eyes still closed, the palm of his big hand digging into the nameplate on the side of the tub. The cool letters “O D A” pressed into his hand.

He focused his eyes, blinked away tears, and looked at Joseph’s body. 

Joseph’s eyes were open, but his face wasn’t frozen in shock or pain. His brown eyes stared off into the middle distance, the look he got on his face as if there was a puzzle to solve. Sebastian was filled with something warm and fuzzy and pink, something like affection bubbled over in his stomach and spread into his cheeks, painting them an embarrassing blush color, he was sure. For a second, you could almost forget he was dead. For a second, Sebastian Castellanos could’ve kissed him. Some part of him hung back, pain still piercing his stomach, but for that second he was absolved of most of that. 

Eventually, though, most it faded, and Sebastian thought nothing of it. Affection still cushioning his gestures, he slid a hand under Joseph’s head, choking back tears and lifting him into a sitting position. That was when it happened. It was so fast, Sebastian could have passed it off as a trick of the eye. 

Joseph’s eyelid twitched. A soft croak slipped from the depths of his throat and then, slowly, agonizingly, Joseph blinked, his dry eyelids dragging across his eye with an uncomfortable sticking noise. Sebastian nearly dropped him, surprise and something warmer filling him, and he slid two shaking fingers to Joseph’s neck to find a pulse, not even daring to believe it. Weak, but there. 

Sebastian was crying again, but it wasn’t grief. It was relief and joy and something else he didn’t want to think about right now, something that called back uncomfortable memories and embarrassing thoughts. For a moment, Sebastian was glad the room was dim, because his face was heating up and his eyes were flicking away in embarrassment.

What the fuck is wrong with you? He chastised himself, focusing his attention on Joseph as he blinked again, once, twice, and then closed his eyes almost all the way, head turning drowsily, trying to make sense of his surroundings. His head swiveled on his neck, wafting the choking smell of the slime in which he lay, but also the undertones of something different but still familiar, a smell found on his clothes and his gloves and his skin, something wholly Joseph that Sebastian really hadn’t thought about before. Groping almost blindly in the half-light, Joseph’s gloved hand found Sebastian’s shoulder, limply resting on it while he coughed quietly, blood steadily dripping from his nose. 

“Seb?” The glove travelled up his shoulder to his neck, finger sliding over the tendons as Sebastian held his breath. The hand came to rest on his cheek, fingers idly probing the planes and angles of his face, skimming lightly over his nose, his cheekbones, tracing the curve of his jaw and eventually his lips. 

“Is this real?”Joseph mused softly, peeking up at Sebastian under his lashes as if he was afraid of the answer, his hand pressing harder now, as if he was trying to reassure himself that everything was solid. His free hand slid up to the back of his head, scrabbling at Sebastian’s arm where it lay under him, supporting him in his sitting position. 

Sebastian didn’t know how to answer. This had to be some sort of sick trick, some sort of hallucination, and even though Sebastian had smashed Ruvik to pieces himself he began to wonder if he wasn’t still in the STEM. Maybe he would never know for sure. Instead of answering, Sebastian slid his fingers to the apparatus in Joseph’s skull, fumbling for the catch, still reeling slightly. When he removed it, Joseph cried out in pain and surprise, his eyes flying wide open, but his voice was cracking from disuse and his body was so, so weak and tired and he could barely muster a mewl of pain before flopping back down onto Seb’s broad hand. It was warm, and even though it smelled like metal and rust and something revoltingly sweet, underneath there was a soft hint of something earthy and salty. He was so tired, and anything at all would subsist as a pillow at this point. He snuggled into the crook of the nearby arm, eyes fluttering shut. The corners of his lips twitched as he saw Joseph lying there, and saw no merit in waking him. 

It didn’t matter if it was real, Sebastian decided as he slid his free hand under Joseph’s knees and heaved him up. He wanted a few more minutes with Joseph, even if it was selfish and even if he eventually had to wake up to a corpse. He carried his partner, bridal style, past two corpses, only pausing for a moment to kick open the exit door. He didn’t look back. 

He stepped out of the cool, sterile, salty smell of the chamber and into a humid hallway, at the end of which an open door beckoned, the breeze from the open lobby of the facility beyond wafting the smell of blood into his face. He only got a few steps, though, before Joseph groaned in his arms, head twisting around in a panic, eyes flying open to stare at his face. He looked only marginally reassured when he saw it was Sebastian, face calming but gloved hands still reaching upwards and palming his shoulder. 

“Seb…” He croaked, looking like even the two words were a strain on him. “Put me down, would you? It’s embarrassing.”

Sebastian grinned lopsidedly, turning around and sitting down next to a radiator, suddenly realizing that Joseph was clammy and a cold sweat beaded on his skin. Embarrassed at his stupidity, Sebastian hastily pulled Joseph onto his lap, sandwiching him between himself and the radiator, hoping the heat would warm him. Joseph groggily lifted his head, releasing his grip on Sebastian’s vest.

“This really isn’t any less embarrassing, Seb.” He murmured, nonetheless nuzzling his head into the crook of the other man’s neck, breathing evening out as he fell into a snooze. Idly carding a hand through Joseph’s hair, Sebastian breathed out a sigh. He didn’t want to think right now, and even though the room smelled like blood and he was pretty sure there was a corpse or two on the other end of the hall, he relaxed into the ground, luxuriating, if only for a moment, in the heat of the radiator. They lay there for a few minutes, verging on the edge of sleep, as Joseph warmed up and Sebastian rested. Even though grief trailed behind him still, and his heart felt heavy and the ball of dread in his stomach had only barely lightened, Sebastian hadn’t lost all he thought he had. Grief and something he couldn’t place, something warming his body besides the radiator, coexisted as he luxuriated in the sensation of being able to finally rest. 

He was woken from his stupor by the sticky sensation of damp leather gloves trailing circles on his chest. He blinked, jumped, and brought his head around to see Joseph, peeking up at him from under his lashes again. Mouth suddenly dry, he cleared his throat and blinked at the proximity of Joseph’s face to his. He could pick out flecks of copper in his eyes, even under the dim lamps. He noticed a stray eyelash on his partner’s cheek and in a rare moment of bravery, he lifted his hand and brushed it away. Clearing his throat again, he shifted nervously in his seated position. Joseph’s hand did not stop. He was in that drowsy moment between sleep and wake, Sebastian registered eventually, after Joseph had slid his head back down into the crook of Sebastian’s neck. 

Joseph wasn’t normally a touchy-feely guy, but sometimes, late at night or early in the morning, like when they’d pulled that all-nighter working on a case and he’d fallen asleep with his head on Sebastian’s lap, or when he’d gotten tipsy at a work function and spent the whole night trailing Seb like a puppy, eyes lidded just like that and drowsily resting his head on his shoulder every time they sat down. He was reminded of that night as Joseph slung an arm up over his neck, repositioning himself. He chuckled for a moment, sliding his arm onto Joseph’s back.

“You ready to go?” He realized, with a start, these were the first words he’d spoken to the other man since he’d woken up. Joseph groaned, burying his face deeper into Sebastian’s chest instead of answering. Sebastian laughed quietly. He’d earned a rest. 

A few minutes later, Joseph spoke quietly into Seb’s chest, barely audible. He could feel his lips brushing against his chest through his shirt.

“Huh? Didn’t catch that.” He continued to stroke his hand through Joseph’s hair. 

“This is real, right? You’re real?” For the first time, his voice was free of confusion and grogginess, cut through with a sharp sliver of fear. 

“Pretty sure.” He sighed, trying to sound as reassuring as possible.

“And you got rid of him? Ruvik?” God, how vulnerable he sounded, and their roles suddenly seemed reversed, Sebastian was logical and reassuring, while Joseph was wracked with emotions. 

“Yeah, buddy. I did.” He sighed audibly with relief, hands twitching as they clutched Sebastian’s vest. For a moment, there was nothing more to say, and for some reason. Sebastian felt disappointed.

“Sebastian?” The full name felt weird in his voice, and Sebastian automatically cringed. He turned his head, mouth opening, ready to speak, but he stopped mid-turn when he realized his face was inches from his partner’s. He was looking into his eyes again, and he could feel that fuzzy thing creeping up into his face again. His cheeks felt hot now, too, and he wasn’t really sure why. He also wasn’t sure why his mouth immediately dried up, or why he instinctively shifted his position to be closer either. Instinct hadn’t failed him all his life, and it wasn’t going to fail him now. He trusted his gut, even though he wasn’t sure why his gut told him to slide his hand further around Joseph’s waist and lean closer, almost as if they were going to…

But that was absurd. It was ridiculous. He flushed harder even thinking about it, it wasn’t as if-

Just like that work function all those years ago, Joseph was getting weirdly touchy, and the way he was looking at him made him feel weird and hot, kinda like…

Joseph continued to watch him deliberate for a few second, thoughts spinning at a hundred miles per hour but still going nowhere. His lips curved up into a smile. For some reason, Sebastian couldn’t stop looking at those lips… His thought process trailed off as even he didn’t know what he was supposed to be thinking. 

“You fucking idiot.” Joseph rolled his eyes, the smirk on his lips spreading into a full-fledged grin. Using the arm around Seb’s shoulder as leverage, Joseph closed the space between them quickly and efficiently, pushing up on his heels to press their lips together. 

For a few seconds, Sebastian didn’t move. His thoughts whirred unusually slowly in his head, like they were swimming through molasses. He was vaguely aware of the fact that his cheeks were on the verge of spontaneous combustion, and that the fuzzy feeling in his cheeks had crested. He recognised it. This was exactly what he’d wanted, even before his brain knew it. Years and years of buildup came to a head right then and there, years of stares and blushes and serious-but-not jokes piled together into one big wave of feeling and Sebastian kissed back. His brain kicked into overdrive and he smelled the humidity of the air and the leather of the gloved hand that was stroking his ear and he leaned forward, the burly lines of his body pressing against the lean ones of Joseph’s. 

They kissed for a long time, forgetting time and place and the wounds in the back of their skulls and the grief that trailed behind them and for just a moment Sebastian forgot everything except how nice Joseph felt with his arms around his neck and how his lips were a little chapped but they still felt nice and how his 5-o-clock shadow was scraping a little bit against his partner’s smooth cheeks. 

Eventually, they broke apart, gasping for air, eyes locking, and there was a moment where they just sat there, both thinking it would be sort of hard to go back to the way things were. There was no need for a confession in words, Joseph’s eyes were filled with infinite tenderness as he lifted his chin and placed a kiss on Sebastian’s cheek. Everything came to a peak, and like the exhausted man who’d just bested a terrible ordeal he was, Sebastian Castellanos, KCPD detective, passed out on top of his more-than-partner.

He woke in an ambulance, with a cottony bandage taped to the back of his head. The light in the roof of the vehicle drilled into his eyes, and he threw an arm up to shield them. Groaning with the sharp pain that came on the heels of the action, Sebastian nearly passed out again. 

“You shouldn’t move so much. You’re exhausted.” chimed a familiar voice from the doorway, as usual, laced with exasperation and what Sebastian now recognized as affection. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t caught on earlier, everything seemed so blatantly obvious and true and right in hindsight, he was kicking himself for having to go through Joseph nearly dying to realize it. 

“Joseph? That you?” As if he couldn’t recognize that voice anywhere. He groaned, licking his bone-dry lips and turning over onto his side, bringing forth another wave of pain. A sigh breezed through the air, and he felt those familiar gloves on his back as Joseph lifted him into a sitting position. 

“The one and only.” Peeking out between a cracked lid, Sebastian drank in Joseph’s face as if he hadn’t seen it in weeks, arranged into a cute smile. Affection flared in him again, and in the back of his mind he realized he was never going to let this man go. Joseph smiled once more, then, briskly, helped him into a standing position, leaning his arm over his shoulder for support. Sebastian was reminded of the STEM, where Joseph has been injured and he had to help him walk, except now he was putting all his weight on the shorter, slighter man. He felt a little bad, but those feelings dissipated as Joseph shot him another smile, nudging him to start moving out of the ambulance into the courtyard.

“Let’s get you home, okay?”


End file.
